Almost exactly a year ago I started seeing a therapist for postpartum depression/anxiety (around the time Cirilla was 18 months old I started to wonder why I couldn't seem to find the true joy in my life. I realized that I had been living in a fog since before she was born) we worked together for about six months and I learned a lot about myself. Something that surprised me was that I don't like to face anything I'm worried about or afraid of. I always thought I was pretty brave, but it turns out that I was just pushing my fear off, causing it to hover around me like a cloud of dread.
I've also been listening to a new podcast called: Terrible, Thanks for Asking, which is about grief and what it would be like if we actually answered honestly when someone asks how we're doing (hence: terrible, thanks for asking). Between therapy and this podcast I've learned that not thinking about what scares me won't make it not happen, and thinking/talking about my worries won't make them come to pass. So this time around, with surgery coming up I've decided to face things head on and channel my anxiety in a productive way. I've been rapidly crossing things off my to do list and devouring as much information about this procedure as I can get my hands on. These steps have made it so that I almost feel no anxiety about surgery.
The other night I met with my therapist for the first time since late November just to check in before surgery. I wanted to bounce ideas off her and get a gut check about whether this "non-anxiety" I have been feeling is just hiding greater fear like I did before, or if it was that I was better equipped to face my fears (happy spoiler alert: it is the latter). It felt so good to talk to her again and be validated that what I am feeling is okay, and not damaging/avoiding. I booked her to follow up with me a few weeks after surgery to check in (because who knows how I'll be feeling on the other side) but right now I'm in a great headspace!
That was a big check off my to-do list, now I'm just down to a few important things left:
-I have to finish getting my room ready for recovery (mostly just making it as comfortable/cozy a space possible)
-Assemble my patio lounger so I can relax outside while recovering
-See my family doctor to get my medical EI paperwork filled out
-Finish our will (there I go, facing my fears instead of hiding from them)
And that's pretty well it for "needs" before surgery, there's definitely a few "wants" I have if I can get around to them, but I'm not going to stress overly much about those.
I also got my hair cut short as I won't be able to brush without help for a few weeks. And then I coloured it again, just for me.
