We have arrived at the day before surgery. I spent my day somewhat numb, or frozen; every check off my to-do list was one more substantial step to surgery. But, it’s coming, where I feel ready or not, and I know I’m pretty well “ready” whatever that could mean.
I’m scared though. Scared of the unknown, being unable to do what I normally don’t think twice about (I taught Ryan how to work our washing machine cause there’s no way I’m deep into it and picking up bundles of wet clothes). I’ve never had surgery before; the biggest medical “thing” I’ve been through was giving birth, so I have absolutely no idea how my body is going to react.
I have managed to get my to-do list done and now I’m just kinda resting, waiting, perched on the precipice. I’m sure I will mourn later, but right now I just want to get to tomorrow and get on with recovery.
Tonight feels oddly like any other night except for this subtle tension; I’m starting to get a headache from unconsciously clenching my jaw. I’m currently trying to decide if I should try to eat second dinner before I have to start fasting, or if I should go to bed and try to sleep.
As I sit here though, and all through the last two days I have been getting well wishes all over the place. I have truly come to realize how blessed I am for the people I call friends and family. I want to thank you with all of my heart for the support I have received.
I wanted to write an eloquent and tasteful “Thank You” to my boobs, but I can’t right now, maybe that will come later. Instead I ramble on in this post about nothing, my mind going in circles as I idly listen to random music from YouTube. Actually, I’ve settled on The Oh Hellos: Dear Wormwood album tonight. Specifically: This Will End has captured me tonight; don’t know why, but I’m really feeling it. https://youtu.be/lojgpJwl1Pw
Second dinner won out.
I’m fixated on worrying about weird things right now, maybe because they seem tangible and so much is unknown. My current list:
No coffee tomorrow. And some plastic surgeons suggest no coffee for a while (although I think that’s mostly for reconstruction using one’s own tissue, I’m getting implants, so it may not be the case)
No deodorant tomorrow. Who knows, the incisions may extend under my armpits, maybe no deodorant for a while (I’m so sorry)
How will I do without food (hint: it’s generally bad)
Will my cat poop in her litter box (of course we chose this already stressful time to also switch her to a new cat litter)
Will I be able to wear Ciri ever again
What a random list.
This was us on Sunday. I love being able to wear her close.
I feel like it’s time to just end this post. Finish second dinner, drink a ridiculous amount of cranberry juice (per doctor’s orders) and go to bed. I’ll see you all on the other side
And the Sun it does not cause us, the sun it does not cause us to grow
It is the rain that will strengthen, the rain that will strengthen your soul
It will make you whole.